Back and Forth
by angels.02.music
Summary: <html><head></head>One person can make mountains of mistakes in their lifetime. Yet there's this one that a person regrets the most. Whether it may be killing someone. Or something as simple as hiding a simple secret. When it comes to Freddie Benson though, it was both.</html>
1. Prologue

**This story is a very angsty story loosely based on the emotion evoked from listening to Taylor Swift's 'Back to December' and The Latency's 'Fork in the Road'. **

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><p>One person can make mountains of mistakes in their lifetime. Yet there's always one that a person regrets the most. Whether it may be something as simple as hiding a simple secret or extreme as killing someone.<p>

When it comes to Freddie Benson though, it was both.

Now that's a shock. How could Freddie Benson, the man who always follows the rules, do something like that? Anyone who knew him would agree that the claim seemed very outlandish.

Well, Freddie Benson loves (has loved, always will love) Samantha Puckett. He never managed to tell her this... Nor will he ever have the chance to. Seeing as he killed her.

Sure most people would say "Freddie, it's not your fault" and yes, they did. But that doesn't even slightly ease his guilt. Because he knows he did, he was the reason that she was dead.

You see, 6 years ago, Samantha Puckett died in a car accident.

They were both 20 and in college. They had just finally come to terms with their feelings for each other and have only been in a relationship for a few months when Freddie got Sam pregnant. Of course with the news the two stole away and had a shotgun wedding. But that didn't ease anything in Freddie's mind or conscience.

After he and Sam found out that she was pregnant he spent a lot of his nights drunk, wondering how he could mess up like that, break the rules and probably just threw his and Sam's life down the drain. Especially Sam's, who was finally picking up her life from the last 2 years of high school, only to crash downhill at college, as to what Freddie thinks anyways.

And not long after she gave birth to their lovely daughter Carly Anne Benson at July 3rd, a month prior to the accident. She was a lovely girl, her father's brown hair, her mother's ice blue eyes, and even at birth anyone could see both Sam and Freddie's stubborn-ness in the child.

Sam was never the person who believed in love at first sight, but upon first seeing her daughter she inwardly accepted that she was wrong. Freddie on the other hand, saw her as a mistake, something that shouldn't have happened until after he and Sam graduated from college and got married with steady jobs and a good financial status. Because that's how the rules went right?

In short, Freddie took Carly Anne's birth as an omen that things are going downhill.

And bad things did happen.

Ever since she was born the frequency to which Freddie spent inebriated increased drastically, worrying everyone around him.

Sam on the other hand bathes in the sweet scent that somehow babies always produce while she listens to her daughter's tinkling laugh or steady, relaxing breathing. She doesn't know how on earth could she get so lucky and deserve something as beautiful and angelic as her.

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><p>It was another of Freddie's drunken night when his whole world turned and turned and turned and turned and left him standing in the middle of a large pile of mistakes and regrets.<p>

Carly was spending some time with Sam and her little mini-me (as she often referred to Carly Anne) when the phone call came. It was John, a good friend of Sam and Freddie who often accompanied Freddie to his drunken nights to keep him alive and to keep him from doing stupid shit, that called from the club.

He was apologizing profusely to Sam, for what reason she didn't know.

"I'm so sorry Sam, Rach, was there and I got distracted. The next minute I turn and I see Freddie high-tailing out of the place. I can't find him. I'm so so sorry." Sam startled at his words, worry slowly creeping into her brain.

But on the other hand she consoles their friend, telling him that he needn't apologize. Freddie was not his responsibility and she was already grateful enough that he would even accompany Freddie on his drunken nights and make sure that he gets home safe.

"It's alright John. Really. I'm on my way okay? He can't have gone far." Sam told him as she took a deep breath, to try and keep the worry from her voice.

She gives Carly a look who just nods and takes puts her arms out, waiting for the baby to be placed in her arms.

Sam looks down at her daughter, kisses her forehead softly and whispers to her that mommy will be back soon. She gave her daughter one last hug before placing her in Carly's awaiting hands.

She gives her best friend one last fleeting smile, before she walks out of the front door, never to walk back in again.

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><p>That night, the news programs were buzzing with activity, when it was announced that former members of the hit Internet show iCarly Samantha (formerly Puckett) and Fredward (Freddie) Benson were involved in a fatal collision.<p>

Samantha Benson was pronounced dead upon impact while her husband remains to be in terminal condition.

It was three days after the accident when Freddie came to. Carly has been taking care of Carly Anne since hearing about the accident and they both happened to be visiting the day that this occurred.

It only took Freddie one look at Sam's blue eyes from his daughter's unknowing stare in Carly's arms to have an instant flashback to the night of the accident.

He ultimately broke down and admitted to Carly what had happened.

He and Sam were fighting on the car on the way back. He, of course, refused to go back into the failure that is what was awaiting for them there, this of course hurt Sam so much. He spoke of how she unleashed all of the pain and hurt that she kept bottled up inside of her from taking care of their daughter alone, for having him miss the tiny monumental things that she does, and how he blatantly refuses to even acknowledge her as a human being, more or less their daughter.

"I never got to told her I love her... I never... she never knew..." His breathes started to hitch, and the heart monitor next to him started to act out.

A nurse and a doctor rushed in at the commotion as they ushered a crying Carly to the side. They tried to calm Freddie down but eventually had to give him some medication due to failed attempts.

Once he recovered from his breakdown he spared another glance at the infant that he's failed completely and pointedly told Carly to take her away, "somewhere, anywhere but here…"

The seriousness in his voice and hatred in his eyes convinced Carly that Carly Anne would not be safe with Freddie, and although she knows that he's changed from the man that she once knew, she knows that the real Freddie inside of him would regret ever giving his daughter away.

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><p>For almost 6 years Carly took care of Carly Anne. Spencer offered to take her for him but she felt that she needed to be able to still be there for Sam, for it was what Sam would have wanted. Spencer couldn't do anything to shake his little sister's determination. It was Carly's father who finally put his foot down and created a suitable compromise, having Carly move back in with Spencer so that her studies and her whole life would not be compromised by raising a kid.<p>

It took a lot of work and stressful days but within the next year Carly officially adopted Carly Anne. It wasn't easy, with the fact that her father was still alive, but somehow with all of the hard work Spencer and Carly put into it, they pulled through.

Carly later on graduated with honors and had a steady job and boyfriend that appreciated and understood the love and devotion that she had for her best friends and their daughter and took the fact that Carly had a child with stride.

She took great care of her, always making sure that she grew up with all of her necessities and not (very) spoiled at all. She also spent the night telling the little girl stories about the crazy antics that the iCarly trio used to get into back in the day, although Carly kept the information that Freddie Benson was her father to herself.

The kid has experienced more than enough loss in her life to bear the idea that her father simply just couldn't stand to see the sight of her face.

It was a week before Annie's 6th birthday when Carly learned the horrible news.

She and Annie were talking about her upcoming birthday and birthday party over a shared ice cream sundae when she received the call. Apparently there was a slight abnormality in her blood test that they want her to come back to the doctor's for further testing to see if it was anything they should be worried about or just a glitch to the test.

Carly turned towards the large window looking into the ice cream parlor where the young girl was sitting. She couldn't do this to her, especially so close to her birthday. But it could've just been a test malfunction; it doesn't have to mean anything.

Please, don't let it mean anything, she prayed.

She told the doctor that they could schedule an appointment at the end of the week and then returned inside like nothing was bothering her.

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><p>It was finally the morning of Annie's 6th birthday and Carly was taking her to her mother's grave, as they did every year during her birthday. Although today, they were given the unforeseen circumstance that Freddie was there too.<p>

Carly decided, especially after seeing the test results, that Freddie really needed to get over himself and get to spend some quality time with her. No matter what cost.

She turned towards the little girl in the back to notice that she has fallen asleep during the drive.

She smiled softly, remembering her tired yet excited expression to waking up so early to be able to make sure to visit her mom's grave before her birthday, although she still hasn't really fully wrapped the concept of graves and death around in her young mind. She stroked her cheek softly and stepped out of the car, remembering not to lock it so as to in case she wakes up.

She braced herself and silently crept up to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. He jumped slightly but calmed down when he realized that it was her. He searched her face, trying to find some differences since the last time he saw her 6 years ago.

He noticed that she looked tired, sad, and slightly worn. He wondered why and he was about to ask, when he remembered that it wasn't his place to ask anymore. Not after he killed her best friend and shunned her away with his own daughter.

His eyes drifted back to the tombstone where his love's name was etched smoothly. Carly watched closely as his fingers gently caressed the deep grooving that spelled Sam's name. She noticed that he was sober (for once), yet still sad.

"You have to fix it you know." She whispered, hoping that he knew what she was talking about.

His head snapped towards her the second that the once pristine silence was broken. He was about to respond when he heard some rustling from behind them.

Both he and Carly turned to see what or who was approaching them. Carly's eyes softened and her mouth up turned into a soft smile from recognition, on the other hand, Freddie saw a strange young girl, around 5-6 years of age, with great posture and clothes that screams Carly Shay's precise style. Although looking closer, she was the spitting image of Sam right down to the unruly curls. The only thing that threw him off, was his hair color.

But they he met the girl's eyes… Sam's eyes…

And the fear and sadness expressed in them.

The manner in which the sun was shining on her made her seem to have this angelic glow that enunciates her innocence. But for Freddie, all he saw was the embodiment of his failure.

Carly Anne Benson was a smart girl for someone her age… Her teachers praised her for it and Aunt Carly always mentions that she got her father's IQ and her mother's survival skills. Whatever that meant…

She felt the tension rolling from her Aunt Carly and knew that there was something about the stranger sitting by her mother's grave that wasn't right.

"Who are you?" She asked as she hid partially behind her Aunt's legs.

A silent minute passed between the trio. And finally, having enough of the tension, Freddie stood up straight and stared straight at his daughter, both satisfied and horrified with himself when he saw her flinch and inch closer towards Carly, and walked away.

Carly glared disapprovingly at Freddie's back, she would have pushed the issue but she did not want to have all of that come down in front of Annie.

Annie clutched Carly's legs tighter, her little frame slightly shivering from fear as she tried to understand why that man was so...angry.

"Aunt Carly, who was that?"

Carly just stood there for a brief second, not saying a word. Judging within her head whether or not she should tell her the truth. But then she looked into the scared blue eyes of that little girl and she steeled herself and told the girl a half truth. "I don't know, Annie. I don't know."

Carly manages to console the scared girl and get back to their usual yearly ritual. Eventually they head back towards the car and began to set up for her party. Eventually Annie forgot about the encounter with the strange man and passes out with a smile on her face at the end of the day, surrounded by her new gifts.

Carly was having a quiet moment in the couch with a hot cup of tea, considering leaving the mess from the party there until tomorrow when Spencer quietly entered the room.

"Is she asleep?" Carly jumped a bit and almost started to freak out at the voice behind her until she learned that it was just Spencer.

"Yeah… finally." Carly whispered as her older brother sat down next to her on the couch.

"So what happened? When you guys came back you looked like you wanted to kill somebody." He asked worriedly.

Carly let out an angry breath at the memory. "Freddie was there this morning…"

"He was?" Spencer shouted, making Carly worry for a second that her mini-me might have woken up from the outburst. Carly placed her hand over her brother's mouth and gave him a slight glare.

"Yeah…" Suddenly the glare disappeared and tears started pricking Carly's eyes. "He really has to fix things with Annie, Spence. He has to now."

The sudden change in his sister's behavior startled Spencer

"Hey, hey, hey… ssshhh… what's brought this on Carls? I thought you finally accepted that Freddie may never turn himself around?" Spencer whispered angrily as he held his little sister in a tight hug. After observing Freddie's behavior, even when Sam was alive, Spencer was determined that he should not be anywhere close to the precious girl sleeping upstairs. He wanted to place a restraining order against Freddie concerning Carly Anne but was only stopped by his sister's optimism. But that didn't stop him from being cautios whenever he was mentioned.

Her tears didn't abate even slightly which worried him. "Carls what is it? I know it's not just the whole Freddie thing." He said as he probed his sister's eyes.

"Annie… she… she…" Carly's sobbing increased. "She has leukemia."

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><p><strong>fact: little kids are more sensitive to emotions given to them, its pretty much black and white<strong>

**fact: Freddie is grieving and obviously still hasn't moved on and is still stuck on the day of the accident**

**fact: if it's horrible please just tell me privately rather than flame me to oblivion review-wise.**

**Thank you**

**So... how bad was it? I honestly can't tell coz I wrote it. Review please? :)**


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

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><p>"Are the doctor's sure?" Spencer whispered as he wrapped his arms around his crying sister.<p>

"Yeah they ran another blood test on her the other day just to make sure." Carly sobbed as she rested her head on her brother's shoulder. "They said that since she's still a kid there's a chance that she could beat it. But still it's...it's… Spencer what if she couldn't?"

"Hey! Hey! Don't think like that." Spencer grabbed hold of Carly's shoulders and forced her to meet his eyes. "Carly Anne Benson is as strong willed as her mother and as determined as the woman who raised her."

This garnered a faint watery smile from Carly.

"She can get through this. I know she will." Spencer stated determinedly.

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><p>Later that night Spencer went across the hall to visit it's long occupant.<p>

"Spencer do you know what time it is?" A sleepy Marissa Benson asked as she ushered him inside. She hadn't been asleep an hour after spending a grueling day looking over a handful of first graders in Carly Anne's party.

Over the years nothing much has changed, the furniture still stark white and arranged the way they were many years ago, the only difference were the copious amounts of a little brown haired, blue eyed girl, scattered through the walls. Most of the apartment bathed in darkness, indicating that Marissa had been in bed.

She led him to the sitting area and switched the lights on, giving her eyes a few minutes to adjust before she sat down on an arm chair.

"We need to talk Marissa." The seriousness in his tone and behavior led her to rub the sleep from her eyes. The playful nature of the man in front of her had dwindled down through the occurrences in the past years into something more tolerable and mature, yet at this very moment all playfulness seemed to have left him. She motioned for the couch and waited patiently for him to speak. The last time that she saw him this serious was during the custody battle for Carly Anne.

"Would you like some water? Or anything?" She asked, mostly to be polite and to break the silence. She was wide awake now, inferring from his behavior that what he was about to say is no easy matter.

She used to be so furious at the fact that she was not the one to care and raise for the young girl but as Freddie's behavior towards the girl unraveled it left her with no other place to stand. She was grateful that in the end she was still able to maintain constant contact with her granddaughter under the strict rule to never clue her into the true nature of their relations.

"Well there's really no other way to go at this other than just saying it so…" Spencer took a deep breath. "Carly Anne has leukemia."

Heavy silence fell within the room. The sound of the gentle hum from the refrigerator along with the steady breeze from the air conditioner were all that you could hear apart from the two adult's steady breaths. Spencer gave Marissa a few moments to be able to process the news.

"How...Wh-when did you…" Marissa whispered heavily, her arms wrapping around herself in a physical action to keep herself together.

"Carly just told me around an hour ago. Apparently there was an abnormality in Carly Anne's blood when she got a check-up a few weeks ago. They had a complete blood count done earlier this week and due to the severity of the possible diagnosis they had it rushed. They just got back to her yesterday I believe." said Spencer. Having to repeat what he just heard was making everything even more real to him.

Tears began to well in Marissa's eyes at every word that passes Spencer's lips. She had already lost her husband, and now her son. She couldn't fathom how it would be to feel to lose her grandchild too.

"Carly and I have decided to move on this as quickly as we can before Annie actually starts to feel worse and we've both come to the conclusion that we couldn't just keep you out of this."

"Thank you." Marissa whispered gratefully as she tried to inconspicuously wipe her tears.

"We were hoping to get the lumbar puncture done sometime this week to see if the cancer has spread to her brain or spinal cord along with the chest x ray. We just don't want to waste anytime."

"I understand. I'll have to call my supervisor and ask for some leave." She nodded.

"There's also another reason I came here." Marissa's head snapped up at his words, wondering what other news does he have to bring.

"Carly wants Freddie to be involved with this also. Or at the very least to spend some time with his child in case…" Spencer cleared his throat as his eyes watered. "...before he loses the chance."

Marissa leaned back on the couch. She could tell from Spencer's hardened eyes that his feelings towards Freddie has neither changed nor softened. But then again she could not blame him, Sam was like another sister to him. And during her late years, she became a close comrade to Marissa as well. That girl, once given the time and chance, could really catch a heart.

"And obviously you're not very fond of that idea." Marissa stated.

Spencer scoffed. "What do you think? Carly and Annie saw him at the graveyard this morning. It didn't go well. He scared the poor girl."

Marissa started at the news. She had not been in touch with Freddie ever since the accident so she took any piece of information seriously. "How's he doing?"

"So I take it that he hasn't spoken to you yet?" He snarled. He didn't need her to answer. The shadow that passed on her face said it all. She bent her head down, her tears making an appearance again, making Spencer sigh and regret his tone.

"He was sober." Spencer muttered. "for once."

"Th-that's good." She wiped at her tears with her sleeve.

"I'm sorry Marissa. I just… I don't trust him. Not anymore. And especially not with someone like Carly Anne." He placed a consoling hand at her arm.

"I understand." She nodded. "I do. But at the same time he's my son. I know that how he's behaving right now isn't who he really is.

Spencer leaned back in the couch, remembering the Freddie that he used to know and love. The one that he knew would do anything to protect the ones he loved, the one that loved so purely, the smart kid that cherished his friends and family. But he's gone now. And he can't keep holding hope that he'll change only to be disappointed year after year. "I know that. But it's been six years. There's a likely possibility that he's not going to go back to how he was."

"But she's still his daughter, Spencer. At the very least he has to know." Marissa said as she straightened herself.

"I know." There was a brief pause.

"But I will not let him near Annie until we've seen any changes from him." He continued resolutely.

Marissa nodded, not knowing what else to say.

Spencer, not knowing what else to say, cleared his throat and stood up. "Well it's been a long night for all of us. Thanks again for the help with the party earlier."

"Oh it's no problem." Marissa replied, as she walked with him towards the door.

"I'll get back to you on when we can schedule an appointment." She simply nodded as Spencer stepped out into the hallway, opening his door. "Goodnight, Marissa."

Marissa Benson closed the door behind her and locked it with shaking hands. He'll pull through. I know my Freddie. He will.

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><p><strong>Yes I know that Spencer is a tad OOC but think about the things he's been through and the tone of the story. He's still the crazy older brother that we all know and love but he's also grown up and is very protective of his family, especially at present circumstance.<strong>


End file.
